90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
