It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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