My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
