He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
