And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
