he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
