so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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