The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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