at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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