Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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