I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
