Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
