I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
