Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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