I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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