If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
