I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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