I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
