now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it's like iHOP with fire
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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