Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
