i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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