her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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