clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
