Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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