I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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