My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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