I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
