I cannot find my penis.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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