I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
you never un-have a 4some
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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