2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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