I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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