Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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