I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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