I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
