You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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