You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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