What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
