White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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