you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
