4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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