Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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