The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
