I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize