apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
