forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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