You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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