Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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