Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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