so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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