Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
