I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the room spins SO much faster in panama
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
