I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
