I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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