Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
