Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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