don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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