Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
