Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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